is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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