I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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