If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Two words: nipple clamps
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