haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
