I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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