my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
