Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
