final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
