A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
