i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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