im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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