Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
