just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
