I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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