It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You've changed since you got that strap on
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
