my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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