Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
