im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
