Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
