sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
