No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
