dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
