so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
