If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
