your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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