Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
