Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i came on her dog
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
