we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
