I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's never too late to be topless.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
