After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize