It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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