Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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