Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
