My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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