I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
