I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize