Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
