I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I looked at my own cervix.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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