So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
