we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize