Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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