my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize