Pants 0. Shit 1.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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