The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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