it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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