The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize