i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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