Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
