Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize