i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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