i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
