He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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