I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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