i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
