"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
