please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
