My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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